THE WORLD REACTS TO THE WWF’s NEW GIMMICK: MONEY IN THE BANK!

Yo! The “Mafia” just turned the wrestling world upside down. Since the “Big Three” (Rock, Austin, HHH) and the Super Heavyweights are too busy with their own wars, the Money in the Bank has become a literal “Island of Misfit Toys.”

From the Malacañang Palace to the Central Perk couch, the world is buzzing about this 8-man ladder match and the mysterious “Royal Rumble” and “Survivor Series” concepts. I’ve spent all day gathering the most high-profile “shoot” reactions from the biggest icons of Y2K.

[[ THE RING KINGS & LEGENDS ]]

• HULK HOGAN: > “Well let me tell you something, brother! I see the list… I see Zulu Jr. and Steven Seagal fighting for their lives. That’s the power of the WWF! It’s not just about the belt; it’s about the right to exist in the ring! But watch out for Bruno Sammartino—he’s the original Hulkamaniac, and he’s coming for that briefcase with a vengeance!”

• BRET HART: > “I’m preparing for Kurt Angle, but I’m watching this ladder match closely. Agatom and Golimar have the experience, but this ‘Suspension Rule’ is interesting. It brings a desperation to the ring that you don’t see in regular matches. Zulu Jr. is fighting a ghost right now—the ghost of his own career.”

• GOLDBERG: > “I don’t care about ladders. I don’t care about briefcases. And I certainly don’t care about Vince McMahon trying to play wrestler. When I arrive, I’m going to spear the winner of this match through the ladder. WHO’S NEXT?!“

[[ THE HEAVY HITTERS: BOXING, NBA & MMA ]]

• MIKE TYSON: > “Vince McMahon in a ladder match? That’s like putting a target on your chest! 🎯 I want to see Agatom fly. That kid is like a mosquito you can’t swat. And the Royal Rumble? 30 men?! That’s a street riot with a referee. I love it!”

• OSCAR DE LA HOYA: > “It’s a strategic disaster for Seagal. Aikido doesn’t work when you’re 15 feet in the air. But Edge… that kid has the look of a champion. He’s my dark horse for the briefcase.”

• MICHAEL JORDAN: > “3 straight losses and you’re suspended? 🏀 I love that. That’s elite accountability. If you can’t win, you don’t play. I’m rooting for Agatom—he reminds me of a young point guard who doesn’t know he’s not supposed to be able to dunk yet.”

• SHAQ: > “Man, if Zulu Jr. falls off that ladder, the Richter scale in Dallas is gonna hit an 8.0! 💥 And the Survivor Series? 5-on-5? That’s my game! I want to lead a team of Super Heavyweights vs. the Light Heavyweights!”

[[ THE HOLLYWOOD & TALK SHOW CIRCUIT ]]

• THE CAST OF ‘FRIENDS’:

  • CHANDLER (Matthew Perry): “Could this match BE any more dangerous? I mean, we have a plumber, a movie star, and the boss all fighting for a briefcase. It sounds like my Tuesday night.”

  • JOEY (Matt LeBlanc): “Wait, so the winner gets a title shot ANYTIME? Like, even during lunch? I’d win the case just so I could cash it in at a buffet. How you doin’, Agatom?”

  • PHOEBE (Lisa Kudrow): “I think the ladder represents our spiritual struggle to reach the snacks of enlightenment. I wrote a song about Zulu Jr. It’s called ‘Smelly Wrestler, Why Are You Losing?'”

• OPRAH WINFREY: > “Today we are talking about second chances! Zulu Jr., Steven Seagal… they are facing a one-year suspension! We are sending them light and love, but in that ring, only one person can grab their destiny! You get a briefcase! YOU get a briefcase!”

• JERRY SPRINGER: > “Vince McMahon fighting his own employees for a promotion? It’s just another day at my studio. Take care of yourselves, and each other… especially if you’re 20 feet up a ladder.”

[[ THE PHILIPPINE POWER PLAYERS ]]

• JOSEPH “ERAP” ESTRADA: > “I am the President of the masses, and I stand with Agatom! 🇵🇭 He is fighting to keep our flag flying high! As for the suspension rule… maybe we should apply that to some of my critics! 3 strikes and you’re out of the Senate!”

• CHAVIT SINGSON: > “I like the high stakes. It’s like a big game hunt. If Agatom wins, I will host a victory party in Vigan with the finest cigars. But watch out for Golimar—he is a treacherous one!”

• KRIS AQUINO: > “Oh my gosh, Agatom vs. a plumber?! And poor Steven Seagal… I used to love his movies! 🎬 It’s so nakaka-stress! I hope nobody gets hurt, but I’m secretly cheering for the ‘underdogs’ because we Filipinos love a good drama!”

[[ THE MUSIC LEGEND ]]

• MICHAEL JACKSON: > (Softly) > “It’s a thriller… literally. Seeing the little one, Agatom, climb that high… it’s like he’s moonwalking in the sky. I hope he finds his ‘Victory.’ Heal the world, but first, win the belt!”

[[ ADMIN_NEIL NOTE: I’m hearing that the Survivor Series 5v5 match is being teased as “TEAM ROCK vs. TEAM AUSTIN.” If that happens, the WWF will officially own the year 2000! ]]