AMERICAN “WRESTLING” IS FOR LITTLE CHILDREN

The camera shakes as it focuses on the massive, scarred frame of Zangief. He is currently lifting a confused-looking brown bear over his head in the middle of a blizzard. He drops the bear (who scurries away) and leans into the lens, his face turning a deep shade of red.

[[ ON THE MCMAHON FAMILY SOAP OPERA ]]

“I watch this Extreme Rules from my training camp in Russia, and I spit! I spit on this ‘American Drama’! You tell me Vince McMahon ‘resigns’ from board, but he is still in ring? He is making his daughter the referee? This is not sport! This is not wrestling! This is… how you say… Days of Our Lives with folding chairs!”

“In Mother Russia, if boss is no good, we throw him to wolves! We do not give him 20-minute match where he survives ‘Pedigree’ on table! Bah! And the daughter? A referee? Is conflict of interest! My iron body is for fighting, not for acting in soap opera. This is why American wrestling is like baby food—too much soft talking, not enough spinning piledrivers!”

[[ ON THE ROCK VS. KIMBO SLICE ]]

“People tell me, ‘Zangief, you must see Rock and Kimbo! It is best match!’ I watch. It is okay. The Rock has good muscles, yes. He has long reach. He uses brain to beat the street man. But Kimbo Slice? He is just brawler. He has no technique! He has ‘Kill Switch’? I have Final Atomic Buster! If Kimbo Slice tries ‘ground and pound’ on Zangief, I grab his beard and I spin him until he sees the Northern Lights!”

“The Microsoft software says Rock has advantage? Hah! Software does not know the power of the Soviet Heart! But I give credit—The Rock is becoming real warrior. He has ‘dog’ in him, even if he wears too much expensive silk shirt.”

[[ ON THE ANTI-CLIMACTIC MAIN EVENT ]]

“Two minutes? TWO MINUTES?!“

(Zangief slams a fist into a nearby pine tree, snapping it in half.)

“Undertaker and Mankind… I hear stories of them falling from cages and losing ears. I sit down with my vodka to watch war, and it is over before I finish my first drink! This is insult to the fans! If I am in Denver, I jump in ring and I wrestle BOTH of them for one hour! You do not end ‘Extreme Rules’ with a quick pinfall. You end it when no one can stand! Is lazy! Is weak!”

[[ ON THE ENIGMA: KIM-SOLO ]]

“Now… we talk of the North Korean. Kim-Solo. You ask if he is legit? You ask if Zangief knows him?”

(Zangief stops shouting. His expression turns uncharacteristically serious.)

“I have seen this man. Before WWF finds him, I see him in underground tournament in Vladivostok. He does not speak. He does not smile. He fights like machine programmed for one thing: Efficiency. Most wrestlers, they want to show off. Kim-Solo? He wants to break your joints and go home. He is very legit. He is very dangerous. Rey Mysterio is fast, but you cannot outrun a man who treats every match like a military operation. WWF should be careful—they think they ‘hired’ a fighter, but they may have invited a wolf into the sheep pen.”

[[ ADMIN_NEIL NOTE: Zangief is clearly not a fan of the “Entertainment” in World Wrestling Entertainment. But his confirmation of Kim-Solo’s past in Vladivostok adds a dark layer to the newcomer’s reputation! ]]