RANKING REACTION LEAK: FROM THE OVAL OFFICE TO THE LOCKER ROOM

Yo! The July 1st rankings dropped like a pipe bomb, and the fallout is reaching way beyond the squared circle. I’ve been monitors the feeds, “wiretapping” the back offices, and catching quotes from the biggest names in the world.

Some are calling the PFP scoring a revolution; others are calling it a “mafia hit” on their legacies. Here is how the icons reacted to the first official WWF-Universe standings.

[[ THE POWER PLAYERS: THE FRONT OFFICE & THE LOCKER ROOM ]]

• TRIPLE H: > “A PFP score of 8 for a backyard brawler? You’ve got to be kidding me. Kimbo Slice hasn’t even stepped in the ring with a ‘Cerebral Assassin’ yet. These rankings aren’t a measure of skill; they’re a measure of hype. While The Rock is busy celebrating his #4 spot like he won a Grammy, I’m in the gym preparing to dismantle the system. You want to see a real PFP leader? Watch what I do to X-Pac. Then we’ll see who’s ‘electrifying’ and who’s just… irrelevant.”

• VINCE MCMAHON: > “Look at those numbers! Kimbo Slice at #1… Prince Naseem at #2… it’s exactly what I envisioned! A global melting pot of carnage! People are questioning the ‘early season’ scoring? Ha! In the WWF, every second is a season. If you aren’t on the board now, you’re already a dinosaur. This is sports entertainment’s evolution, and if the ‘old guard’ doesn’t like it, they can find a new museum to rot in!”

• KURT ANGLE: > “I’m an Olympic Gold Medalist! I won with a broken freakin’ neck! How am I ranked #7 in Light Heavyweight behind a guy named ‘RVD’ who does flips for a living? And Kimbo Slice is #1 PFP? Has he ever wrestled in the amateurs? Has he ever represented his country? This list is a travesty of the Three I’s: Intensity, Integrity, and Intelligence. I’m going to personally suplex every person on this list until I’m #1. It’s true… it’s damn true!”

[[ THE LEGENDS: BOXING, BASKETBALL, & THE “GOLDEN ERA” ]]

• MIKE TYSON: > “I see the list. Kimbo’s a tough kid, he’s got that hunger. But PFP #1? You can’t crown a king before he’s bled in a championship round. And Butterbean at #6? He’s a wrecking ball, but he’s fighting ghosts. I want to see these guys under my lights. Until then, these rankings are just paper. When ‘Iron Mike’ steps in, the only ranking that matters is who’s still awake when the bell rings.”

• MICHAEL JORDAN: > “I saw the report. #4 for The Rock? 3-0? That’s cute. In Chicago, 3-0 is just the first quarter. I don’t care about ‘PFP Scores.’ I care about who’s holding the trophy at the end. I took it personally that they didn’t even mention ‘The Goat’ in the crossover discussions. If the WWF wants a real #1, they know where to find me. Until then, stay out of my way.”

• HULK HOGAN: > “Well let me tell you something, Brother! I’m #4 in the Super Heavyweights and #8 in the Heavyweights? The Hulkster is a global icon! I’ve slammed giants and ruled the world while Kimbo was still in diapers! The PFP score is a joke, dude. The power of Hulkamania doesn’t fit on a spreadsheet. But hey, if the fans want to see the ‘Real #1’ take that Super Heavyweight spot from Butterbean… then Watcha Gonna Do?!”

• BRUNO SAMMARTINO: > “In my day, you didn’t need a ‘score’ to know who the champion was. You defended the title for years, not weeks. This WWF is a circus. Seeing these ‘street fighters’ ranked above men who spent decades in the trenches is an insult to the history of this business. Vince can keep his rankings; I’ll keep my dignity.”

[[ THE PHILIPPINE CONNECTION & THE OVAL OFFICE ]]

• BILL CLINTON: > “I’ve looked at the data, and it’s certainly an ambitious statistical model. Seeing a 116-pounder like Agatom represent the Philippines with such heart… that’s the kind of international cooperation we like to see. As for the PFP scores being ‘early,’ well, sometimes the first hundred days tell you everything you need to know about a term.”

• JOSEPH ESTRADA (Erap): > “Agatom is a true Filipino hero! Small but terrible! 🇵🇭 He recovered in Japan like a true ‘Action Star.’ As for the rankings… as long as our boy is winning, the math is correct! We don’t care about the Super Heavyweights—we have the heart of a lion!”

• KRIS AQUINO: > “Oh my gosh, Agatom! It’s so nakaka-proud! ❤️ Did you see how he beat ‘Changed Man’? It was like a movie! But Kimbo Slice at #1? Is he even cute? I think the scoring is a bit ‘over-acting,’ but as long as we have a Filipino in the top ranks, I’m here for the drama! Love, love, love!”

[[ ADMIN_NEIL NOTE: The “PFP Scoring” is based on Strength of Schedule and Finish Rate. Kimbo is #1 because he finishes fights in seconds. If the wrestlers want to move up, they need to stop going to 20-minute draws and start knocking people out! ]]