The World Cup Qualifiers & The “Yoga Illusionist” Scouting Report

[[ THE JOE ROGAN EXPERIENCE #2015 ]]

GUESTS: Jerry “The King” Lawler

JOE ROGAN: (Leaning in) “Jerry, we’re talking about the most insane global scheduling I’ve ever seen. The ‘WWF Mafia’ just dropped the calendar. Every country has until December 31st to finalize their rep or they lose their spot to the alternates. It’s a total scramble.”

KING LAWLER: (Laughing) “Joe, it’s a mess! But look at the Philippines. Agatom just made a massive power move. He realized that fighting President Erap would be a disaster for the country’s morale. So Erap is stepping down to ‘focus on the nation,’ but Agatom isn’t just taking it. He’s dedicated his training to the Filipino people. He said, ‘I don’t need to fight my President to prove I’m the best; I’ll prove it in the World Cup.’ It’s a genius move, really. He avoided the ‘Civil War’ and now he’s got the whole country behind him.”

JOE ROGAN: “It’s smart, man. If they hadn’t settled it, Hang Man Choi was ready to swoop in and take that slot. Now Choi is stuck as an alternate. But let’s talk about the ‘Day 1’ qualifying schedule. This is how the Mafia is finishing the year:”

[[ THE DECEMBER “DAY 1” QUALIFYING CALENDAR ]]

• Dec 7 (RAW): Japan Semi-Finals — Yokozuna vs. Changed Man | Ryu vs. Retsu.

• Dec 11 (SmackDown): Australia Biker Brawl — Mad Dogg vs. Road Kill (Last Man Standing).

• Dec 14 (RAW): The India Showcase — Dhalsim vs. Golimar.

• Dec 21 (SmackDown): Italy: The Passing of the Torch — Bruno Sammartino vs. Mario.

• Dec 28 (RAW): The Russian Ultimatum — Fedor Emelianenko vs. Steven Seagal (Final Qualifier).

JOE ROGAN: “Speaking of the India match… Jerry, have you seen the scouting report on Dhalsim? The Microsoft ‘Gonzaga’ Ratings just updated, and they are weird.”

[[ SCOUTING REPORT: DHALSIM ]]

Nickname: The Long-Armed Yogi Origin: Kerala, India

• Physical Stats:

  • Height: 5’9″ (Variable up to 15’0″ mid-strike)

  • Weight: 106 lbs (Emaciated/Ascetic build)

  • Push-up Capacity: N/A (Practices ‘Planche’ holds for hours instead)

• The “Flexibility” Truth: “Look, people think it’s magic. It’s not. The Microsoft software shows he has a rare connective tissue disorder—extreme hypermobility—combined with years of ‘dislocation training.’ He literally pops his shoulders and hips out of the socket mid-punch to gain reach. It’s disgusting to watch on an X-ray, man.”

• The “Fire” Secret: “I talked to a guy in the production crew. The ‘Yoga Fire’ is just a fancy firedance. He’s hiding a small vial of high-octane accelerant in his mouth and igniting it with a sparker hidden in his glove. It’s basically a localized gasoline explosion. The WWF doctors said they’ll only allow it in ‘Extreme Rules’ matches because of the risk of third-degree burns to the ref.”

[[ MICROSOFT “GONZAGA” RATINGS ]]

• Reach: 100/100 (Unmatched)

• Defense: 92/100 (Teleportation-style movement)

• Durability: 15/100 (One clean shot from a Heavyweight ends him)

• Overall Threat: B+ Tier (Zoner Specialist)

KING LAWLER: “But Joe, what about Mario? This guy is 0-2! He got destroyed by Cena and Ryu! Why is Bruno Sammartino giving him a shot for Italy? Bruno says he wants a ‘passing of the torch,’ but is Mario even a torch-bearer?”

JOE ROGAN: “Jerry, you have to respect the kid! Mario is the only guy who stood up and fought Ryu and Cena when everyone else was making excuses. He’s a risk-taker. He was doing parkour off buildings and pipes before it was a thing—that’s how he got that game made about him! Bruno sees that heart. Bruno told the Mafia, ‘Italy will vote for me every time, but give the kid a chance to earn it.’ If Mario can beat the Living Legend in a fair fight, he’s going to be the biggest underdog at the World Cup.”

KING LAWLER: “He better bring more than a red hat, Joe. Sammartino is built like a brick wall. Mario’s going to need a lot more than ‘parkour’ to move that mountain.”

JOE ROGAN: “December is going to be the most important month in WWF history. We’re going to find out who’s real and who’s just ‘illusion.'”

[[ ADMIN_NEIL NOTE: The “Day 1” bracket is almost full. If Mario pulls off the upset against Bruno, the Italy vs. Canada (Bret Hart) match in January will be the most-watched technical bout in Europe. ]]